I'm lost and stupid without you.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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