So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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