he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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