I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
