When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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