Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
