Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
