Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
