I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
