Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
