In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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