oh god the rape fog is back!
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
