Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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