I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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