you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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