My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
