Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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