ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
