im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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