If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
