Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
