his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
