i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
