If i come over, it means nothing
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
