Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
