remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
