I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
please come you make the beer taste better
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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