First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
