Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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