i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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