our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
