so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Did I show you my penis last night?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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