took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
