giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
