I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
