apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
