It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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