A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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