best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
