if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
