The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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