Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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