i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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