What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
