I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
