I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
