Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
