I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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