every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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