Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
