YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
