Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
