yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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