you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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