totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
