At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
