A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
