He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
