i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
