if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
