Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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