I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
