my mouth tastes like poor choices
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
